How many times have you wished for something that didn’t exist? Specifically, while struggling with dog-induced problems? More specifically, this year alone?
More times than you can remember, right? Well, it’s time someone took notice and came up with solutions to these common dog people problems. Get to work, engineers!
Problem #1: The embarrassment of your big dog jumping on strangers.
Solution: A harness that discourages jumping.
There should be a harness that induces a “I kind of just feel like being chill right now,” vibe. Or makes jumping uncomfortable. It should fit so comfortably that your dog wants to stay on all fours, even when he’s meeting a new person whose face apparently smells delicious.
Problem #2: Dogs getting too close to the dinner table.
Solution: Invisible dog repellent.
A fragrance that can only be smelled by dogs, can be applied to any surface, is completely non-sticky, better than the ones that already exist and smells really, really terrible. This sounds like a surefire way to keep a dog from biting furniture or knocking over expensive china with its nose. It also sounds like magic.
Problem #3: Dealing with the poop smell while tying up the bag.
Solution: A self-closing poop bag.
I can’t always hold my breath for as long as it takes to tie a knot on a bag and not get any poop on my hands, all while at the end of the leash looped around my wrist is a strong dog with little patience. Bags, please close on your own.
Problem #4: A dog too big for public transport.
Solution: A backpack that actually fits dogs bigger than a textbook.
There are tons of dog carriers out there, but they all come with limits. We want to carry our 50 pound Boxer on our back because the train is faster than walking.
Problem #5: When your dog rejects a treat from a very nice stranger.
Solution: An instant treat-deliciousser.
First of all, what kind of stranger carries around dog treats? Probably you. Second, what kind of dog rejects a treat? Probably one that is trying to embarrass its owner. The solution is a liquid spray that makes any treat smell/taste like bacon, or whatever else your dog likes, rice and beans, Indian food, to each his own.
Problem #6: When your dog takes a regenerating nap in the car on the long drive home from the beach that was meant to exhaust her, and you know once that nap is over she will be back at 100% energy.
Solution: A dog toy for cars.
It’s not safe to actively keep your dog awake while driving. And you know that after those power naps they’ll only wake up more excited to do everything. Balls and other toys don’t make for good car entertainment, so, like babies, dogs need something that’ll keep them busy while you speed home.
Problem #7: Dog farts.
Solution: Fart mints.
They exist for mouth breath, so they should exist for butt breath. That is all.
Problem #8: Potentially germy dogs in your bed.
Solution: A germ level detector.
This would come in handy when your dog is being extra cuddly and you know she spent an hour at the dog park earlier frolicking with all her dog friends. With dog-friendly wet wipes in hand, the germ detector would let us know how much wiping down our dog needs before we can spoon in peace.
Problem #9: Another poop problem. When the poop is un-baggable.
Solution: A poop vacuum.
I totally understand why this sounds disgusting, but really, how do you pick up runny poop? Do you just rip the entire patch of grass off? Do you walk around with a packet of granular absorbent deodorant? Maybe the vacuum could have a disposable nozzle, maybe the whole thing is disposable, I’m not the engineer. Figure this out guys.